i wish i knew what this was all about. what i’m supposed to be doing and where i’m supposed to be going.
i wish i had someone who i could just reach out and touch, that i knew beyond a doubt loved me unconditionally with out reservation.
i wish i really understood trust and had a blind faith in someone
i wish i wasn’t a million miles away inside sometimes
i wish my instinct wasn’t to run
i wish i had more than the music, as of late, it isn’t always enough
i wish i wasn’t just getting by
i wish i had the strength to really end it all instead of just contemplate it. to really pull the trigger
i wish i didn’t care
i wish i didn’t have to mask how i feel about you with apathy and false mania
i wish you knew i’m not the same. i grew. i changed.
i wish i could just stop thinking about you
this isn’t a pity party though it might sound like one. i just had a conversation about being numb to things. the truth is that i am really as cold hearted as you think. at times i really can be the epitome of every negative thing you could say or imagine about me. the reason why is because when i wasn’t those things and was viewed that way anyway, i just adapted. i stopped caring about anyone but myself. you know, i’ve never felt more alone than i do right now, but it’s familiar. it’s normal. being numb is different from not caring though. it’s just the point in which you don’t waste your energy reacting.
in a perfect world, the day i die there will be no funeral. there will be no mourners. no one will search the newspaper to save my obituary, there won’t be one written. my family wont stop to reflect. there wont be a memorial. by the time i die i will have successfully pushed you all away. not because i didn’t want you there. but because i bare this burden of wanting to save you from me. though it’s not the person i want to be, hurting you seems inevitable.
A.N.T, i wish i would stop saying and doing the wrong things. i wish i knew what was right. i wish i had a clear idea of what was going on my head. i wish i didn’t over analyze every interaction. i wish you didn’t have me on pins and needle every moment.
A.L.J, i wish i had it all to take back. i wish i hadn’t abused the gift of your friendship. i wish space wasn’t what we needed right now after being so close. i wish you trusted me as much as i trusted you. i wish i didn’t know that’s asking too much right now.
D.T., i wish i didn’t leave you out, even if you say i’m not, i feel that. i wish i had been a better, more reliable friend.
T.R., i wish it was a different story. i wish my actions and the good inside me said more than my words. i wish you knew me for me. i wish i wasn’t so awkward in my self expression to you.
even though it happened to me and i didn’t think it was funny, i want people to be desensitized to the concept of my death. be it natural causes, murder/homicide or suicide. In my perfect world, no one would give a fuck. they might even breathe a sigh of relief.